Something in me broke one day, and I don't know what to do about it. After so many months of convincing myself to just be happy and love my life, I do. But it's costing me so much. A huge part of me is missing, and I don't know who I am because of it. I can't think logically.. My decisions are fucked, my opinion isn't mine.. Hobbies have been neglected. All this just.. as usual.. makes me feel insanely depressed.. and lonely. But so many people enjoy talking to me when I'm happy.. so I don't know.. I'm lost..
...I wanna disappear.
One day. I just want to be gone. I want to be somewhere where nothing exists. I want to make my own living, meet my own people. Nobody should know where this place is, and when people get used to me existing with them, I want to go again. I think this is a fear of commitment.. to life. I'm just trying to label it so I can fix it...
Sigh.
- mer..
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
bloodpigs1- July 10th, 2:44
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- June 18th, 23:08
blank
sometimes having my heart sink is a good feeling.. let me feel each slow beat throughout my body.. breathe faster to make up for the carelessness of my organs.. i guess they're giving up on me.. as they should, as i would, if i could.
- a switch
-
- bloodpigs1
- June 15th, 21:20
just an observation.. but i've switched a lot. everyone was like "omgosh you keep too much in bla bla bla" and get frustrated with me for keeping everything to myself, and now my closer friends tell me i need to stfu and learn to lie. i need to go back to keeping stuff to myself.. I knew I was right in the first place, jeez.. D= how dare the world change my ways.
lawl. i think this is the only time i've heard ed curse.. and he said conscious instead of conscience. =]
so yah. livin' like that from now on, i guess. even though this is a bit informing. yup
ZOMGOSH I'M SHUTTING THE FUCK UP from now on. ^-^ yaay i feel so me.bgalphawolf: learn from me lie ur ass offbgalphawolf: have no conscious
unless he just wants me unconscious
in that case, me too. it is working out all night time.. fuck the last two days of school, like the rest of life.
hm. ed's changing a lot. weird.. he's turning into such a meanie. he used to keep things to himself. now he tells me lots of everything. i like it, it's just weird.
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- April 27th, 23:40
I feel somewhat better. I'm so irrationally unhappy when I am.
>_> I need to work on that. it bugs me ^-^
OMG MY HANDS LOOK SO VAINY!!!!
freaky.
kbai.
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- April 6th, 0:19
what would you think if i sang out of tune
would you stand up and walk out on me?
lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song
and i'll try not to sing out of key
oh, i get by with a little help from my friends
i had this weird dream
i was walking between two paths, where there was no path.
and there was a slight panic cuz i couldn't find the path
but i was right between two of them
and i kept getting a feeling like someone was yelling at me
and like i was in nam. [that sounds like a joke, but i think i've been watching too many documentaries.]
i mainly blame getting lost in the woods the other day. it was scary.
uhm.. yup.
- mr rogers
-
- bloodpigs1
- March 28th, 21:15
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong
And nothing you do seems very right?
What do you do?
Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?
It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song!
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman.
And a boy can be someday a man.
- frfreee credit report . com!
-
- bloodpigs1
- March 27th, 9:58
bored
Photo's the only time when people actually want to watch commercials lawl
- I love good sleep<333333333
-
- bloodpigs1
- February 24th, 0:22
woah~
But I don't remember what happened
I just had a first.. one of those weird nightmares
And I woke up all hot and sweaty
and I was only asleep for like an hour..
not even.
like 40 minutes.
how'd i get a bad nightmare that fast
what was it about
=[
...now i'm waiting for me to feel good enough to fall asleep
my eyes hurt =x
i has chills
ugh =[ i feel sickly.
yup...
*chill, shiver, think, sigh* =]
- Puppy Deal.
-
- bloodpigs1
- February 7th, 11:44
My mom says that if I get straight B's the next two semesters I can get a puppy.
I don't know if I can get straight B's cuz i'm being a failure
but it sounds like a good deal.
So yah,
Bbye world, I'm off to study land =)
- Ohwow, I donno.
-
- bloodpigs1
- February 6th, 19:46
I had this dream..
There was a screen and I could pick which dream I wanted to have
it was like.. 4 of them
And none of them really had a picture or anything saying which dream I should pick
I just had the option
And it was a grid.
Weird?
I went through three of them
One of them I was in a swamp with Matt, Mark, James and Nacho Libre.
And we went swimming
Then there was this giant turtle
And it was like zomgosh Alliance.
And we were all Horde..
But it didn't really matter cuz ..it's a turtle.
Well..And that we weren't in WoW.
It was just..alliance.
What the fuck, anyway..
We were using it as transportation.
Kinda like Finding Nemo. Cuz there were bunches of them.
Then we were all in Lovelle's class and he was like..
KEINE AUSREDEN!.. All spy-like.,
So we ran out to the hallway
which was actually just another swamp
and we were like wtf why's there so many swamps
so then matt got killed by a huge version of him
And me and mark were like wtf
Then domenique joined in with a light sabre
And we were in one of those cool star wars cars
and it was like spewpewspew cuz a bunch of those people were lasering at us
So we fell into the ceiling of KBtoys.
And we had some epic battle...
Which went through the walls and kicked us into the calendar store.
Idon't think the calendar store's on the other side of that wall..but whatever
We got paper cuts. It hurt...
o_O And yah,
that's where I woke up.
I think that means
I care too much about KBtoys,
I hate German,
I've been watching star wars too much
I've been playing WoW too much
and Mr Lovelle's a scary ninja spy.
But yah,
I forget what the other 2 were
And I wonder why I never got to the forth.
Bed time =)
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- February 2nd, 9:49
Photo's so boring that I resorted to making an entry to keep myself occupied.
Sweeeet =0
0=
=0
0=
=0
0=
=0
0=
=0
0=
The upside down show time
Or whatever it's called D=
D=
D=
D=
D=
=D
D=
3=
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- February 1st, 19:23
I'd be healthy physcially and mentally if I gave myself more time to bike.
Just notin' ..
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 31st, 12:00
horny
I was like
'i've been depressed for two weeks, I'm going to go treat this with some quality painful biking'
so i did
good story.
=)
it was like getting stabbed in the heart
and being choked in sex
but better
and I'm bleeding, too
Weird
That's cuz I was trying to get back on the bike after taking a red bull break
And I slipped and the pedal cut my leg up
bloods all over my leg
hahaha
god, good stuff
- =]
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 30th, 20:40
- sore
Have you ever gotten that feeling
Like
Wow, I wish I was out risking my life on a battleship watching other people sink and die.
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 30th, 16:44
calm
woah!
I let myself fall into those girly qualities of being all dramatic and caring about everything that isn't good!
=)
I'm back to being me
kthx =3
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 29th, 22:52
lets go kayaking
rriiight nao
- I wanna make cookies.
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 25th, 21:52
Weeeeeee didn't start the fire~
- Things that make me happy.
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 19th, 16:47
Invaderavon: I would love to kidnap you. But ya gotta be of legal age or it really is kidnapping. And my head hurts too much to write a ransom note right now.
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 19th, 1:03
so i took a nap
and i had a dream
and yah
so i was making out with someone
over by where i did a lot with james
which is weird cuz it wasn't him
and then all of the sudden they pushed me
and i got lynched by me
which was weird
cuz they pushed me
but i had that feeling like i just did it to myself.
and yah
it was weird.
cause the trees on that weird little path nommed me in
and turned into things that look like those little gray blobs [from WoW]
and then the grass turned into green lava
and they disappeared
then i woke up.
- (no subject)
-
- bloodpigs1
- January 19th, 0:01
crazy
SO I was reading stuff
and mr tambourine man kept playing
HAY mr tambourine man
play a song for me
blablabla
and when I realized it was getting repetitive
I cried and yelled
NO MR TAMBOURINE MAN,
DON'T PLAY A SONG FOR ME
I hope noone heard me =x
xD
I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM POSTING
IT'S AN ADDICTION!
I can't wait to get back and read these when I'm in my normal state of mind.
