woah o-o

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:58:11 GMT

I wanna go to the beach.. I miss summer.. I wanna live somewhere where it's hot all year. I think I want to live in Florida. Weird.. Opposite of last year.. I really miss summer.. I want to go out jogging. I wanna sweat.. And run around naked. =]

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

The familiar.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:54:14 GMT

Too much drama makes me want to resort back to what I know fixes things.. but that remedy isn't allowed anymore.. =/ it'd just make things worse.
do i find a new cure or let the bad happen to feel okay again?
cuz even if bad happens, and i feel okay, but it causes more bad, i can just keep feeling ok again till it levels out.
mer >.>
or should i find a new cure..
i feel finding a new cure would probably be a nice life lesson..

controlled realistic day dreams xD

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:28:13 GMT

Well, here's my weird little log o-o

11/2--> The girl in all red was bleeding cuz her dog was killing things. The more he attacked, the more she bled. It was very odd. =0 I had to look away before she talked to me Dx

11/3--> Today, I saw wookies. xD The chairs in the other room made sounds like chewbacca and for some reason I pictured them all chained up in the next room over.. and angry, and they wanted to destroy my test.. soo i was like SHIT I HAVE TO FINISH THIS TEST BEFORE THE WOOKIES GET IT .. so then I finished my test and it was weird lmao.. but like.. that wasn't that bad. I'm sure there's still wookies in D108 though. That girl yesterday was working for the wookies.

11/4--> I'm in training, under the command of people working for Hitler. I don't know if it's a trick, they might be killing me o-o. The wookies are working for Hitler, but not the girl. She's actually a secret the wookies have. Dx the mexicans are after me.

11/5--> I feel so in control. Like, I can hear and sense every emotion people are feeling.. But it's all being narrated in my head and it's unbearable >.< I wanna go out for a walk. I wanna be alone.

11/9--> I am dead, i feel so gone. everything's moving around without me.

11/10--> Everything's evil... like, everything. and it's all eating at me. I look at people, and their expressions shoot evil at me, into my heart, numbing my stomach.. little black figures jump from all these expressions and tell me to hate, and feel hated. It made my foot twitch, a lot. My heart raced too. I probably looked insane. xD..

11/14--> I'm hollow. A pumpkin is gutting me, with a knife and a spoon, and my organs are in a pile next to me. I don't care anymore.

11/20--> The seed balls fell off of the trees, and turned into bombs. They slipped down my throat, deep in my stomach and I exploded. Guts everywhere. Suicide bomber.

11/28--> The sun is the only thing I'll find familiar throughout my whole life. Especially the morning's inverted shadows lighting my room. Forever, that'll follow me, at least.

Dx

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:50:31 GMT

I'm so afraid of my mind. What the fuck is going onnn.. Even pictures.. Everything is just getting to me too much. I'm light headed, and my heart's a hole.. Every scene I see gets my adrenaline going, and I'm so fucking happy. But I also can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm so fucking confused! It's like OMG THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL<333 FUCK MY LIFE!!

WHAT is this SHIT.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:14:53 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

w00t i'm a girl now xD

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 01:53:27 GMT

i want to be the girl in the airplane that just flew by.. listening to music, across the world. or across the street. i wanna get out, and i don't want to be here, ever. i like the lights, the scenery, the air. i like knowing that nobody knows where i am, and i like meeting new people. i don't want any person to hold me back from where i'm going.

i don't want to wake up where i am. every morning, i want to be somewhere new. the south pole, the forrest, a stranger's bed. anywhere but here. every day, i want to know someone new. i hate knowing the same people all year round. i feel so bound to the same conversations, and i feel a responsibility to keep up this reputation i build with each one. i want to have fun, but i don't want to grow attachment, or need to break someone off of me.

i want to disappear for a few weeks, and i don't want anybody to care. let me go. let me be.. it's really none of anyone's business where i am or what i do..

not being able to do this makes me want to quit all together. end it. imagine what a place like heaven would be like. there are no more cares when you're dead. and maybe i think it would be ok if you agreed to come with me. i wouldn't want to leave anyone alone. let's all just go. Come on, follow me, let's jump off a bridge, or lynch to a tree, or lets just swim straight out in the ocean. Let's go away, all of us. Show life what it's missing out on.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:54:38 GMT

i'm seeing all these faces in innocence, and kicking small things away.. but the bigger thing stays.
i feel a responsibility for things that i've started, but don't know how to drop the roll.
i wanna get away..

an emotional place, where the seasons change throughout the day.
the hours pass like seconds, and everyone's going too fast to hold a conversation.
i'm all alone in this world to do as i please, and i'm at my own pace.

=/

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:44:54 GMT

great...

he broke my heart.

a quote from chicken soup makes me think =D

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:02:54 GMT

"Suppose someone gave you a pen - a sealed, solid-colored pen.

You couldn't see how much ink it had. It might run dry after the first few tentative words or last just long enough to create a masterpiece (or several) that would last forever and make a difference in the scheme of things. You don't know before you begin.

Under the rules of the game, you really never know. You have to take a chance!

Actually, no rule of the game states you must do anything. Instead of picking up and using the pen, you could leave it on a shelf or in a drawer where it will dry up, unused.

But if you do decide to use it, what would you do with it? How would you play the game?

Would you plan and plan before you ever wrote a word? Would your plans be so extensive that you never even got to the writing?

Or would you take the pen in hand, plunge right in and just do it, struggling to keep up with the twists and turns of the torrents of words that take you where they take you?

Would you write cautiously and carefully, as if the pen might run dry the next moment, or would you pretend or believe (or pretend to believe) that the pen will write forever and proceed accordingly?

And of what would you write: Of love? Hate? Fun? Misery? Life? Death? Nothing? Everything?

Would you write to please just yourself? Or others? Or yourself by writing for others?

Would your strokes be tremblingly timid or brilliantly bold? Fancy with a flourish or plain?

Would you even write? Once you have the pen, no rule says you have to write. Would you sketch? Scribble? Doodle or draw?

Would you stay in or on the lines, or see no lines at all, even if they were there? Or are they?

There's a lot to think about here, isn't there?

Now, suppose someone gave you a life... "

i'm getting really into looking at the way i look at life, and judging people accordingly. it's really gay =D like, when people say their life sucks, or are having a bad day, i think about how they react to things, and how their way of reacting might not be the best way to get things fixed.
for this reason, i feal really bad for cris. his life sucks. like he's tryin and tryin and all these bad things keep happening. but because of all this bad stuff, and how he's not giving in and just dying or quitting his job.. or wasting his money on drugs or something, he's a stronger person. i guess that's why i love him... this character build up does good things for him. like, now he's got my love, and probably many's respect, and he'll always look back on this as the time he didn't give in to horrible things. i'm afraid there may be a limit that life can push him to, and i hope he doesn't ever reach that. but i guess we'll never know how that'll turn out if it never has to happen.
although, maybe sometimes it's better to give in. i haven't lived all situations, i wouldn't know. every thought you have basically sums up your existence.. so why exist painfully. let bad things slide every once in a while or you'll probably live a life of problems.

i'm scared, and lazy.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:22:53 GMT

For every action, there's a reaction. Every reaction builds who you are. Existentialism says that people write their own lives. Every moment of every person's life is filled with decisions: what to say, where to go, what to think, how to act. Most decisions model who you are, and become second nature as you grow older. A better life is built from getting out of that norm, to decide to live life in different paths, and enjoy every second of it. Although, the kind of life you want to live is completely up to you.

A man hitches a ride from a stranger, and doesn't know where to get dropped off. After the other passenger proposes a series of desultory directions, the man asks, "Where’s that?" and the driver replies, "Well I don't know either, but it's somewhere, and it's going to determine the rest of your life." A major theme in existentialism is the idea of writing your own life. In one of the Chicken Soup stories, this idea is approached in a similar way. You decide to write your life down, given a pen and paper. The great thing about being human is that there are so many ways to start doing that. “Would you plan and plan before you ever wrote a word? Would your plans be so extensive that you never even got to the writing?” “And of what would you write: Of love? Hate? Fun? Misery? Life? Death? Nothing? Everything?” Life is everything you want it to be, and you can decide what will be your focus.. it’s amazing.
Life is where you want it to be. This example, like every other example given in Waking Life is a very explicit one. Every way he decides to react to that aimless location will probably change his life: maybe not directly, but his outlook on life. An angrier person may get really upset about this, and kill people. But that decision would send him to jail, which is where his life is headed since he decided to live that way. Somebody just living through the motions would just let it happen, and keep living their life like nothing happened. Somebody extremely nervous may freak out and cry about the situation. Their life would probably always be like that: nervous breakdowns, fear and anxiety, but that decision is theirs to make. Somebody rushed may tell the driver not to go that way. Any number of things could happen, and they all coincide with the way you look at things. When things go badly, it's your fault, because they can go whichever way you want them to go.

that's my essay on existentialism. it switched pov like 3984x, and i tense, too. but it was just like.. movie response questions..
so 'sall good. i just wanted to share that i like thinking that way. cuz.. existentialism is HXC. lol lame brah

anyway.. cool story brah

i'm thinking. i'm getting really immature, and it's out of laziness and fear. i'd rather just joke off and kid around for a year than realize i have to make a decision on where i'm going to college, and if i'm going to follow through with me and cristiano's relationship, realistically. like, am i gonna be fucking up my whole life by carelessly moving there? I don't even know anyone there. and if i do just decide to move on, will that be a good way to go? i don't think so. i'll be stuck in a depressing long distance relationship with a cyber-boyfriend forever.
anyway. i don't know how else to deal with having too much to think about other than shutting it all off till moments like these on blogs. =D so deal with it.

8/30/09..

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:51:36 GMT

Maybe if I hope for it hard enough Cris'll tell me he loves me again..

I stopped hoping for a minute, only to realize if I stop when it seems hardest, I'm not working hard enough.
Of any relationship, this is the one I want... Forever.. It sounds childish, but Cris is worth it.
He'll be around forever if we make it through such silly times.

83009

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:24:39 GMT

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

Chorus:
I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide

Yeah we're gonna let it, slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it

Chorus

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married
Or run away

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married
Or run away

day dreams

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:31:42 GMT

i just had a weird day dream delusional thing..
i looked off of my screen for a second, cuz the room felt hot.. and there was a desert, miles of sand around me, and it was raining. an army of depression approached me, a feeling inside drowned me.. my heart sank, and the disfigured monsters stared at me with a feeling of worthlessness, which was actually my own feelings.. when i cried, the rain fell harder. my music played louder, and a tsunami led the monsters away. they flooded out into a whirlpool, i was left alone and invinsible with a deeper feeling of worthlessness.. a world of misfortune ate at my body, but my frown and my sunken heart were left there to feel the pain eternally.

miley cyrus

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 21:52:35 GMT

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan welcome to the land of fame excess, am I gonna fit in? Jumped in the cab, Here I am for the first time Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign This is all so crazy Everybody seems so famous My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick Too much pressure and I'm nervous, That's when the taxi man turned on the radio and a Jay Z song was on and the Jay Z song was on and the Jay Z song was on So I put my hands up They’re playing my song, And the butterflys fly away Noddin’ my head like yea Movin my hips like yea I got my hands up, They’re playin my song I know im gonna be ok Yea, It's a party in the USA Yea, It's a party in the USA Get to the club in my taxi cab Everybody's lookin at me now Like “whos that chick, thats rockin’ kicks? She gotta be from out of town” So hard with my girls not around me Its definitely not a Nashville party Cause’ all I see are stilletos I guess I never got the memo My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick Too much pressure and I'm nervous That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune and a Britney song was on and the Britney song was on and the Britney song was on So I put my hands up They’re playing my song, And the butterflys fly away Noddin’ my head like yea Movin my hips like yea I got my hands up, They’re playin my song I know im gonna be ok Yea, It's a party in the USA Yea, It's a party in the USA Feel like hoppin' on a flight (on a flight) Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight) Something stops me everytime (everytime) The DJ plays my song and I feel alright So I put my hands up They’re playing my song, And the butterflys fly away Noddin’ my head like yea Movin my hips like yea I got my hands up, They’re playin my song I know im gonna be ok Yea, It's a party in the USA Yea, It's a party in the USA So I put my hands up They’re playing my song, And the butterflys fly away Noddin’ my head like yea Movin my hips like yea I got my hands up, They’re playin my song I know im gonna be ok Yea, It's a party in the USA Yea, It's a party in the USA

lmao. drumline has it stuck in my head. it's such a chill song =] wtf haha.. motherfuckiin chiiilliiinnn. lovin' ma cris. yupppz0rz. 'sall good. i think i got swine flu or like.. strep.. er some shit. i got dr's on monday morning. bitchz

progressive happiness

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:12:33 GMT

endorphins are running my life
i have been high and i have been low
but never this high..
every day is another step above perfection
it's only with you <3

kings of leon lyrics make me happy ^^

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:31:58 GMT

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

he's it

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 20:45:03 GMT

i can't wait till photo starts..
i wish i could go and express myself with words but i suck ^-^
cris is amazing.
i wish i could add a feeling from images.

he makes me think of the horizon, haven, starlight, zephyr, mist
ocean waves, flower farms, dolphins, white rooms, pillows..
everything's soft. solitude. serenity.
he's lucid. a haven. cerebral.
way in the sky, floating, safe, rough, light, a firmament...
my heart stops beating to stay in tune with the beat of noise
but there is no noise, just a solid breeze
in the warm air, it's soft, it holds me
everything's beautiful, especially us
it's still eternally.

i want to bottle the feelings and bring them together.
take a hot shower, sleep in white sheets in an empty room,
with sunlight and a breeze, white cotton sliding across skin.
take a long humid cold morning walk to a water fall, sleep in the mist.
float to the sky and fall through the air.. feel the pressure up against me
bang on the drums in the shower.
swim in a glass pool, floating in the sky.
wake up at the beach, and stare into the sky line..
palm trees. a hammock. serenity.
feel cris' arms around me, with a smile and our hearts that beat together,
waiting for the end of forever.

so this is love.

gotta

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 03:05:46 GMT

don't worry about a thing~cuz eevery little thing is gonna be alright

hakunnaaaa
mataataa

just gotta get happy and smile
don't wanna fail ughhhh gotta get away
kkkay green light!...go! go!

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:48:28 GMT

Quoted~~~ "D: why can't anyone just stfu and be happy about life. I'm tired of everyone being in relationships that're only based on the fights. Dating's sposed to be happy fun time shit. Why bother with drama o_o sigh.

I really wanna make cookies o-o

I miss sleeping. I want a week off to sleep XD
But school's oarsome. ^-^

I'm having one of those days.. With lots of contemplation over the past.. and your social interactions o-o .. And how much I miss a few friends.. Or experiences.. But at the same time I'm so happy about right now.. And I'm sure these feeling's'll be contemplated some day.

It's like a never ending cycle of reflection."

lol i said that 9/23/08. I'm glad that I was right about the never ending cycle of reflection. I love refleclecting lmao. I wonder which friends and experiences I missed. I don't really miss much of anything right now. I'm so much more content with life than I was a year ago. I guess this happiness just keeps building on itself, and I'm looking forward. Healthy thoughts, I'm proud of this stability. ^_^ good job.

But it probably makes me crazy to think I'm not crazy. That's what crazy people do.
Since I said that, I'm not.
But since I'm so sure I'm not crazy, I probably am >_>
lol! =]

<3

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:32:44 GMT

Looks like it'll last forever..

I like the sight =]

The lost and confused mood is gone now, replaced with lack of care.. Naturally, senioritis gets to me. xD I'm a weak student. But my thoughts have found their center and revolve around school jetzt. ^_^ I feel so stable now that I can focus my attention on something.. It's great that it's something important lol =]

Looks like my main interest in life is now Electronics. ^^ I wish I got homework in there every day.
Calculus is a second favorite, only because I like to think about it, and fill papers with problem solving.
For once I have an interest in English because the senior curriculum looks so kickass. I'm tired of all that ancient bullshit. Our Town, too. That play was nonsense.

Anyway~~
John Green omg<333 [psh he's the author of Paper Towns]
I mean.. Cris Aleshire omg<333333 lolsexy
^_^ kbye

how do i feel today? >.>

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:19:27 GMT

I LOVE CRISTIANO ALESHIRE WITH ALL OF MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!
<3333333333333333333333333333333

lol! i'm crazy ^-^

crazy
IN LOVE!
lol! ^^

motivation.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 05:44:00 GMT

Nobody notices what they're walking in on when they join the band. By now I really, really understand and wish I could put it into words. When I think about my life, I always go to color guard. Color guard, math, WoW and sleep. I also think about where my life is leading me, how successful I should be and what I'm failing at. I put my all into these things. When I go to color guard, I really just push through it as hard as I can. Like, hay, I'm there for so much of my life, why bother trying to blow off a night, and do a less than 100% effort. If it's my life, it should really stand out and be a good job. The same goes with WoW and math.. or anything. Goals aren't just ..goals. They define you, and shouldn't be a side note for being a teenager.

The color guard needs to see that it's not to pass the time. When we get out on the field, we put our heads up in the sky, stand up tall and hit the show dead on to prove why we bother. We've gotta be the best we've ever been all of the time, and we've gotta put all the bonds, sweat, work and time in on the field. Only a good band can really express the feeling, because they're the only ones who have it. If you don't work hard, you can't look like you've worked hard.

Color Guard is such a commitment. It's not just the three hours on Mondays and Wednesdays, it's the days in between spent practicing in your backyard, confirming your counts with friends, cleaning your uniform, rewriting your dot book.. dreaming about counts and drill. It's not even just the 10 minute performances on new fields, with crowds of people who have seen the smallest of your work. The Friday night football games that set the bar for the next night. All the time spent bonding, getting your body to move the exact same way as everyone else's, for a whole 10 minutes, over and over again. Perfectly. It couldn't be summed up in 2 practices a week, it's a life style. It's the strongest bond you'll ever build with a friend, and it's a bond that's shared across the world, with band members all over.

At this point, after four years, I don't know what I'll do. In winter, I expect my ass to freeze off on the bleachers, despite my 8 layers of clothes underneath my warmup pants. My diet needs to consist of crappy hot chocolate and salty soft pretzels on weekends. My finger tips need to freeze off and swing around a 6 foot metal pole while I'm running around in spandex across a football field counting to 4, 8, 12, 16, 24 or 32 WAY too many times.. in the snow, rain, tornadoes, hurricanes, dark, brutal sun, wind.. I need to spend a week each summer sweating 2 gallons of water off a day, waking up to a 95 degree day to chills and what feels like 30 degree weather. It's instinct to leave home every saturday from 8am-1am, and feel accomplished, and look forward to the next Monday practice. I stand in twos, I walk in time, I point my toes when I run, I roll my feet when I walk, I yell when my arms are in the air and I'm running in place (lmao), I always step off with my left foot and when I hear a beat I adjust my steps to it. It's just the way I live, I couldn't do it any other way =X

?

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:45:04 GMT

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a page of sneaky smileys is all you should ever expect from me >=D

lmao. i hate to let this be my personality, but it is. I'm so lost and confused. i don't know what the fuck is going on anymore xD lol!
yup. that's really all that there is to be said.

...traveling.

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:33:32 GMT

i was gonna add to the end of my beauteous entry on my beloved cristianos but i didn't =D
totally new subject because i am not cramming this thought down my throat for a week before i get to say anything about it again.
i wanna travel. i love that feeling of waking up in a new country. i wake up real early, put on the weather channel, and their native accent with native people are giving native weather, traffic, problems. there's so many new places to go. so much to learn. so much to see. even if you don't ... stay homing to watch commercials in a new country is just kickass. and even watching a show you've seen a thousand times takes on a new role in a new country.
if i live to be real old, i hope i get to see every country. i wanna memorize maps, cultures, everything. i want to be part of every part of the world. meet all the people along the way. hopefully bring somebody with me =[ if i don't i can't say i've lived my life the way i wanted to. =3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yIb29adzTc
"why's the map over there!.. oh yah i'm not home ^-^" =D <3 omg i wanna go ... everywhere.. right now.

vf

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 21:35:48 GMT

http://vampirefreaks.com/Zippity_ZANG

omg look how sexy it is.
besides my lack of feeling like taking a new picture since like.. 8th grade.. lol.. =D

yup.
why's my font look so sexy ^-^
damnit when i said that it went away =(

well..

i'm glad i'm informative in this journal.
life is good. way too good. i mean, i hate a lot of it .. don't get me wrong..
but i'm such a happy person and i'm trying my hardest to keep all my friends just as happy as i am cuz they deserve it. =]